- Don’t
cry. Its all going to be fine. She’s going to be fine.
- Oh, shut
up – she took her arm out of my shoulder, and looked at me with surprised eyes
– She’s not. I know you’re only trying to help, but you can’t. No one can,
because she’s going to die. I know that. And you, telling me that everything’s
going to be fine doesn’t help. It makes me want to punch you in the face. The
truth, the truth is what I need. She doesn’t need to know all of it,
but I do.
I need to
know how her body is going to wreck, how her face is going to get thinner and
her eyes will lose their spark. I need to know how she is going to became
weaker day after day, until the day that she’s not going to be able to hold my
hand. I need to know how she is going to die every day from now on. Because I
know she will, and I need to know how so I can help her. I can’t make her stay
in this world, but I can help her go safely to the other. I can give her peace.
I can’t take her pain, but I can hold her hand when she’s scared.
But, I need
you, and everyone to stop telling me that it’s all going to be ok. How can I be
okay? In a few weeks from now, maybe days, I don’t know, she’s going to be
underground, dead, with bugs eating her up, or maybe she’s going to be on fire,
burning, like she wants. But the all point in this is that she’s going to be
dead. So, how am I supposed to be fine now, knowing that she won’t? Pretending
to ignore the fact that I’ll have to pick an outfit to wear at her funeral,
write some words on a paper that I’m not going to be able to read with the all
family crying in front of me. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe because she’s
going to die, and I have to stay here. I have to be there, facing the fact that
she’s no longer among us, like always. She’s my safe place, my home. Where am I
supposed to live?
I'm scared. I'm scared of all of it, every part, every bit. It scares the crap out of me, really. But I'm not afraid to face it. I'm here to face my fears. Even if they eat me alive, let them come.
I'm ready.
You know, seeing you with such sad eyes, like I've never seen before, it broked my heart, I knew that you were feeling such a strong pain, and there was nothing that I could do about it, not that I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to help you. I must tell you that I don't really know you for a long time, and we don't have a special friendship, but I think you are a beautiful person and also very interesting. You have a soul, and you're not afraid to show it. I feel that you put every single part of your soul in your texts, and it's very touching, just by reading it. And that's why I don't get tired of them, I like them, I like reading every single part of your soul in words, that show the way you are feeling. It's very hard to find someone like you, you are one of a kind, not in a negative way.
ResponderEliminarSo... even though I can't do anything to help you with what have happened- i don't know what did-, I'd like to say, that if you need, I can listen to you, I can give you my shoulder to lean on if you want so.
Romaikel.